Cathartic

Yesterday I had one of those bad days where I woke up feeling bad, taking my meds made me feel worse, and I couldn’t do anything but go on with my day because I had a bunch of errands to run, a neighbor’s children to babysit, and PT at home to do. Everything went wrong, everyone that called had bad news, and I kept feeling worse. The only good part was babysitting, which I had actually thought would be the worst part of the day.

So, after having a bad day, I locked myself in my bedroom and tried to avoid people for a while doing laundry. I tried all my usual cheering myself up things, but everything was making me want to cry: the sunlight, the trees, the books on the shelf, the trinkets from my past. Everything.

So you know what I did? I sat down and let myself cry. I cried over big things, like all of my friends having someone close to them die lately. I cried over small things, like the tiny little cut on my thumb that’s been throbbing for a couple days. I cried over things from the long distant past, things that shouldn’t bother me in my life now, but somehow managed to sneak up in that abyss of sadness into yesterday’s crying jag.

We went to bed early last night, so it was no surprise to me when I woke up at 3am. What did surprise me: I was in a great mood. A productive mood. An I-can-do-anything mood.

And so since I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep, I spent the rest of the night methodically taking all the books off my bookshelves and all the cd’s/movies off their shelves, then moved the shelves all over the few feet needed to accommodate my piano (which needed to be moved from its location due to the regular overflow of my washing machine). When my husband got up, I got him to help me slide the piano into place (he lifted & pushed, I made sure the legs didn’t get trapped sideways; it’s a spinet model). It is amazing how much bigger my living room looks & feels now. And how good I feel. Even though I still have to deal with all the yuckiness from yesterday, I’m in a much better mental space today.

I think I’ll let myself cry a little bit more often in the future.

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