The true genius shudders at incompleteness – and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be.
~Edgar Allan Poe
I’ve had so much trouble posting anything lately, be it on this blog or some other. I haven’t been able to write an email or speak to a friend or make a decision at all about anything. I’ve been wallowing in my silence, loving my hermitude, staying quiet so as not to say the true, hurtful, sad things that are in my heart lately. I started a whole lot of posts without posting them (which is why there are so many in your feeds this morning: I finally just pushed “Publish” on all of them). One I posted, but decided it was far too personal, so I’ve friendslocked it. I actually feel better about strangers reading it than friends, so if you’re interested in reading it, let me know in the comments and I’ll work on emailing you a password. I know that seems crazy, but crazy is what my brain is all about lately. I cannot remember a thing for more than 10 minutes and usually not even then.*sigh* Consider this post the Good Parts Version of that post. 😉
Back to the updating: I’ve had brochiolitis the last few weeks. My regular doctor was, of course, not available the day I went in so I saw the new doctor in the practice (the old on-call guy went off to do a stint with Doctors Without Borders, which I had up-til-then thought was just some TV gimmick). The new guy was appalled that I didn’t know all my latest lab results either by heart or by reference (I don’t receive them at all). He kept reiterating that I had a serious medical condition and that I needed to take care of myself better, not let myself get into this condition that he found me in, to make sure I knew my test results and was following all my instructions to the letter. “Well,” said I, “the rheumatologist doesn’t send me my scores, and hasn’t given me any instructions other than ‘here, take this.’” This new doctor and I had a weird moment wherein I asked him to tell me what he’d tell his wife, were she in my condition, to do (he having pointed out that our children were at the same pre-school previously). He actually stopped and thought at that and told me that I must keep on as best I could and I assured him that that was precisely what I was doing.
So about a week later I found myself back at the rheumatologists office seeing the PA once again. This time I asked for my lab results, was instructed several different directions by several different people about how to get those (I’ll be calling later today to re-request them, which was one of the instructions). Then I got to talk to the PA, explain to him that since I”d last been in I’d had one sinus infection, one tooth abscess, and one ongoing case of brochiolitis and that no, I hadn’t been taking my Humira regularly, as it says to stop taking it if you had an infection, and I pretty much always have one. So he went out in the hallway to consult with the rheumatologist, who quite calmly stated “I don’t know what to do for her.” Really guys? I can hear your through the walls. The PA came back in and said “Why don’t we try this: stay off your RA meds until after the holidays. Get healthy again. Avoid the flu and the colds and all that. Then come back in January and we’ll start over.” I’m sure you can tell how pleased I was at that statement.
I’m trying to look at the bright side: no drugs means no side effects, right? No drugs means I can have all the alcohol my heart desires (within reason, naturally, as I don’t want my liver to give up). No drugs means no needles.