TMI, perhaps

Menfolk beware: this is a post about feminine things.

 

La canne feminine auXVIIIe sicle

Not this kind, but space provided for the squeamish. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ladies, do any of you RA’ers have any experience with early onset peri-menopause?  I’ve been having wonky periods (light, late, non-existent, all of the above! And no, not pregnant.) after years of having heavy, cramp-filled ones.  I’ve called the doctor about it, but her nurse just passed on the info that I’m too young for that (which is not what I’ve read in my online research), but that I could come in next month for some hormone level tests.

So if you have any information you’d like to pass on, please do below in the comments or you can email me at:

a w a m i b a @ g m a i l . c o m (without the spaces).

Thanks y’all!

 

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Stress+RA=Swelling

I subbed up at the school yesterday as the librarian.  Some days are quite quiet up there, but Tuesday’s are her big day: 6 classes back to back with a little break to eat & shelve books in the middle.  The regular teachers like to use library time as a place to park the kids while they go off and do other things, so it’s all up to the librarian to get the kids through a lesson and finding books and checking out and then time in the computer lab.  (Some teachers do stay close by, but busy.  One actually stayed and helped, which I LOVE her for.)  By the time the third period had gone through my hands were swollen up big enough that the bigger sized rings that I was wearing were too small for me.  (I need to remember to get them out of my wallet still.)

 

Anyhow, my day wasn’t over then.  Middle boy had dance class, then both the older boys had piano lessons, then we came home and did all the days chores (we’re trying out choremonster.com, by the way.  It’s a bit of a beast to set up, but the kids are LOVING it so far), the dishwasher overflowed all over the kitchen so we had to clean up that, and my husband finally came home from the meeting at the middle school that I was supposed to attend (but was too tired to).  We ate leftovers for dinner.  Yeah.

 

And today we do it all over again!  Though with less after school craziness.  So glad today is Wednesday.

A less dramatical cross-post

Sorry for all the cross-posting lately if you are someone reading all the blogs, but this is the way things are right now.

Last week I hosted a girls game night with my little group of friends. We never did actually get to the games, but we had a good time eating snacks, drinking wine, and catching up on things. 🙂 It’s a nice group of gals, most of us are some kind of writer or artist. 🙂 We’ll try an actual Gaming game night another time (soon, I hope).
The next night we had a Robert Burns Night with my parents where we read the poetry of Robert Burns (well, Nick did, but that’s because he had the best Scottish accent) and had some traditional Scottish foods (but not haggis).
Saturday I got the bad news about my friend and had a complete meltdown and stayed at home and cried and drank wine and watched movies all day. So cathartic.
Sunday the kids practiced basketball while I fixed up my desk area where the by-hand writing goes on.
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It is tidier and makes the writing go better since I’m not scrambling for pens or notebooks. I’ve tidied up my computer so I know where the files I’m currently using are and I’ve set up a profile for everyone else so I can have mine be whatever I want and don’t have to worry about boy eyes on my things and them getting confused by the voice control setup that I’ve been using.

I have been writing this week. Lots of writing and writing related stuff going on. Working on two novels and a few sad poems. I’m enjoying flipping through old notebooks and files of writing from a couple years ago to see what I would’ve written had I not fallen off the writing track. It’s fun putting stories together again and for that I am very very happy with the universe.

Monday I got a call to work, but had stuff to do at home that desperately needed doing, so I said no and got all my stuff done. Tuesday I also got a call, but had to say no because I was taking David to Dallas to have his X-rays done again and to see if he needed another shoe lift or what. He doesn’t need a new shoe lift, he needs surgery. Oh yay. Probably next summer, but we’ll do another set of scans between now and then because it’s more data for the computer to look at and more data means more accuracy and more accuracy means a better outlook and that could mean putting the surgery off another year and another year could mean a stabilizing of the irregular growth, which could lead to no surgery. So we’re waiting.

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Wednesday I was all ready for the call to work. I got up, made myself lunch, dressed in subbing clothes….and no call. Of course. So I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and let myself have 2 hours of lovely writing time. It was glorious.
Yesterday was my friends funeral. It was a good one, I think. I sat with my friend Dana. They had to add extra chairs on the sides to accomodate all the people. The first person who spoke was a bit conflicted, but Shannon’s sister and dad and regular pastor got up and said some wonderful, understanding things about the nature of depression and the challenges of living with this disease. It was all very heartening and uplifting. I couldn’t stay to go to the graveside service, as I had a PTA meeting. The meeting was very short, which was unusual for us this year. I spent the next couple hours doing work for the next months worth of activities and went to get the kids.
We’re trying out Choremonster.com for our chore rewards website right now. It looked fun and came highly recommended and the kids are excited about it, but I’m finding it very trying. I had to set up each kid separately with separate logins and separate jobs and separate rewards and I have to log back in every single time they finish something to approve it and it is constantly sending me emails telling me to “Hurry quickly!” like I don’t have anything better to do than use this clunky interface to approve each child’s chore. AIE. Plus there’s no calendar to look at or afix things to. You have to just know when things are going to fall on (plus there’s only a few options for days and I need a “every third day” option since I have three people).

Today is finally a regular day. Kids to school, library volunteering, lunch with Nick, an afternoon of chores and errands. *sigh* But I have two kids asleep on the couch and one asleep in my bed. So where am I typing from? Ben’s bed. It’s comfy. I have a dolphin pillow and my old comforter from college and extra blankies, too. Mmm. I might fall asleep here. 🙂

 

mental health

I am starting to think that what I really need is a mental health blog.  Or to combine all my little blogs into one big blog so I can stop repeating myself from different angles.  Who knows.

A friend of mine committed suicide this weekend.  We weren’t close lately, hadn’t been for a couple years, but once upon a time I lent her all my books about depression and gave her my number and talked to her about my experiences with therapy and brain chemicals that just don’t work right . Through her, I lent her husband the book “How to Help When Someone You Love is Depressed” that I’d gotten for my husband ages ago.  She still had a few books that hadn’t made it back to me.  I guess they never will.  These aren’t the thoughts one generally shares, I know, but somehow they are the ones my brain is holding onto right now, instead of blubbering insanely about how sad it all is and how hard I tried to help her and how I failed to keep up and how I regret it and how I am never ever the person I mean to be when it comes to other people and how I should have kept up with her when she went silent.  Because once I get started with them, the tears start, they don’t stop.

THIS YEAR.  I CAN’T TAKE THIS YEAR.

One of my good friends from junior high died this last year: breast cancer.  My ex-boyfriend from high school was accused of sexual misconduct with a student and I can’t quite bring myself to admit that I really do think it’s something he did, because then I’d have to admit out loud to my family and other people how awful he was (in college I had girls email me out of nowhere and ask me to join their therapy group because ….) and they don’t need to hear that.  Then there was my mom and the hospital last summer. And another ancient friend’s husband died unexpectedly from pneumonia.  Another one’s brother died and I somehow totally missed it and I feel awful about it, but don’t know what to say now.  Another friends son had a terrible car accident months ago and is only now walking.  And then the husband of a girl here in town that was one of those friends-of-a-friend that you always hear about that you feel like you know even though you’ve actually never met them?  The one you’ve heard dozens of stories about?  Yeah.  Her husband died trying to save someone after a car accident. And now this.

 

I told my spouse that I needed a Self Care day.  He was busy, of course, because we are NEVER not busy these days, and said the wrong thing and that made me cry more.  He apologized and said the right things later but I ….well…  I am broken at this point.  And thanking God or the Universe or Whatever I’m Believing In This Week that I asked the doctor for those anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds way back in October.  Because I don’t know what or who to believe in these days, but SCIENCE seems like a good thing.  Quantifiable, you know.  I don’t, I just don’t know.  Nobody is available on a Saturday to talk, so I’ve been making due with a bunch of movies (The Decoy Bride I need to own and Wild Targets I’m going to rewatch and A Good Woman I’m in the middle of, but it’s kind of bland so far despite good reviews – I’m thinking I just don’t like Scarlet Johanssen) and a bottle of wine and a box of chicken quesadillas.

 

Thank you for listening and thinking about me.  I know we don’t know each other in person, but you mean the world to me, you really do. *big big hugs*

 

Overdid it

There is no end to education.

It is not that you read a book,

pass an examination,

and finish with education.

The whole of life,

from the moment you are born

to the moment you die,

is a process of learning. 
–Jiddu Krishnamurti 

 

Yesterday I did not get called in to work, so I decided to get on track with making my master bedroom more of a sanctuary.  I’d been thinking of it longingly since the beginning of December, but had no time to do anything about it.  It had turned into that place where people dumped things off when they weren’t sure where stuff went.  I thought it would be easy: get the junk out and TADA!  Sanctuary!

 

Not so much.  I had to find homes for everything, which turned into an all day adventure which had me hauling boxes down and making new messes and moving things all around.  While I’m fairly pleased now with how my room looks (it’s mostly done, but I’d like to repaint some bookcases now.  I’ll need some assistance with that.  They are large and I can’t move them alone)  and the fact that everything else found a home (although some found “homes” in the trash, recycling, and donation bins), I ended up with massive amounts of pain.  😦

 

Things I learned from this experience:

1) I shouldn’t ever think that a pile of junk will be easy to deal with.

2) I should not put heavy things up high (I knew this, I really did, but I didn’t think that I had actually DONE it.)

3) If I discover something heavy up high, I should wait for someone to come home and help rather than expose my shoulders, elbows, and wrists to such weight.

4) I need to remember to take more breaks, even if my brain is excited and thinks it can just push through the pain.  I shouldn’t push through the pain.

 

Whee!

Test results back!

Already!  🙂  They were ALL NORMAL!!  Liver function, good cholesterol, bad cholesterol, kidney function, blood count, thyroid, everything else in the universe, all normal.

 

So we’re doing a happy dance and I don’t have to go back until July.  I called the office and asked if there’s any further testing for this so-called “heart condition” and was told just to keep on keeping up with my health journal and if I have anything scary happen chest-pain-wise to seek the nearest emergency room.

 

All that worry for nothing.  I’m terrifically relieved.  And now back to trying to fit exercise into the busy schedule.  🙂

The Waiting Game

“It is very strange that the years teach us patience – that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.” 
― Elizabeth TaylorA Wreath of Roses

 

Well, I can now say that my Orencia does help.  It wore off yesterday in the middle of the day.  Just BOOM, no more helpful drugs in my system.  I nearly cried.  My hip feels horrendous, my hands are cramped up, my feet ache terribly, and my shoulders no longer like me sleeping either on my left side or my right.  It’s delightful.  I mean, it really is kind of delightful, knowing that my new wonder drug is, in fact, doing something to help and not just causing a nuisance with side-effects.  My next dose is nearly a week off schedule, due to the office being closed for Christmas and then New Years and them only doing infusions a few days a week.  But it’ll come soon and then we’ll see how long it takes to kick in again.

Other things I’m waiting for: school to start back up so kids can see their friends again (we were actually pretty happy until this afternoon when they realized their break was quite close to ending and they started missing their friends), PTA to start back up so I can start querying for a couple replacements to train up for next year so I can step back and do a little less, and church day to come back ’round so I can talk to the lady in charge of the kitchen so I can bow out for the next year of kitchen duty.  See, my resolution this year is simply to take a bit better care of myself.  To choose ME this year instead of others more often.  Because I haven’t done that in a long time and when I look at myself and pay attention, I see that I am another year older, another 20 pounds heavier, and stressed out beyond belief.  So I’m going to just be good to myself this year and see where that takes me.  🙂

Hope you all are making good plans for yourself for the upcoming year.  I’ll come ’round and check your blogs and see how you all are doing in the morning.  See you then! 🙂

-L