mental health

I am starting to think that what I really need is a mental health blog.  Or to combine all my little blogs into one big blog so I can stop repeating myself from different angles.  Who knows.

A friend of mine committed suicide this weekend.  We weren’t close lately, hadn’t been for a couple years, but once upon a time I lent her all my books about depression and gave her my number and talked to her about my experiences with therapy and brain chemicals that just don’t work right . Through her, I lent her husband the book “How to Help When Someone You Love is Depressed” that I’d gotten for my husband ages ago.  She still had a few books that hadn’t made it back to me.  I guess they never will.  These aren’t the thoughts one generally shares, I know, but somehow they are the ones my brain is holding onto right now, instead of blubbering insanely about how sad it all is and how hard I tried to help her and how I failed to keep up and how I regret it and how I am never ever the person I mean to be when it comes to other people and how I should have kept up with her when she went silent.  Because once I get started with them, the tears start, they don’t stop.

THIS YEAR.  I CAN’T TAKE THIS YEAR.

One of my good friends from junior high died this last year: breast cancer.  My ex-boyfriend from high school was accused of sexual misconduct with a student and I can’t quite bring myself to admit that I really do think it’s something he did, because then I’d have to admit out loud to my family and other people how awful he was (in college I had girls email me out of nowhere and ask me to join their therapy group because ….) and they don’t need to hear that.  Then there was my mom and the hospital last summer. And another ancient friend’s husband died unexpectedly from pneumonia.  Another one’s brother died and I somehow totally missed it and I feel awful about it, but don’t know what to say now.  Another friends son had a terrible car accident months ago and is only now walking.  And then the husband of a girl here in town that was one of those friends-of-a-friend that you always hear about that you feel like you know even though you’ve actually never met them?  The one you’ve heard dozens of stories about?  Yeah.  Her husband died trying to save someone after a car accident. And now this.

 

I told my spouse that I needed a Self Care day.  He was busy, of course, because we are NEVER not busy these days, and said the wrong thing and that made me cry more.  He apologized and said the right things later but I ….well…  I am broken at this point.  And thanking God or the Universe or Whatever I’m Believing In This Week that I asked the doctor for those anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds way back in October.  Because I don’t know what or who to believe in these days, but SCIENCE seems like a good thing.  Quantifiable, you know.  I don’t, I just don’t know.  Nobody is available on a Saturday to talk, so I’ve been making due with a bunch of movies (The Decoy Bride I need to own and Wild Targets I’m going to rewatch and A Good Woman I’m in the middle of, but it’s kind of bland so far despite good reviews – I’m thinking I just don’t like Scarlet Johanssen) and a bottle of wine and a box of chicken quesadillas.

 

Thank you for listening and thinking about me.  I know we don’t know each other in person, but you mean the world to me, you really do. *big big hugs*

 

Advertisements

The Waiting Game

“It is very strange that the years teach us patience – that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.” 
― Elizabeth TaylorA Wreath of Roses

 

Well, I can now say that my Orencia does help.  It wore off yesterday in the middle of the day.  Just BOOM, no more helpful drugs in my system.  I nearly cried.  My hip feels horrendous, my hands are cramped up, my feet ache terribly, and my shoulders no longer like me sleeping either on my left side or my right.  It’s delightful.  I mean, it really is kind of delightful, knowing that my new wonder drug is, in fact, doing something to help and not just causing a nuisance with side-effects.  My next dose is nearly a week off schedule, due to the office being closed for Christmas and then New Years and them only doing infusions a few days a week.  But it’ll come soon and then we’ll see how long it takes to kick in again.

Other things I’m waiting for: school to start back up so kids can see their friends again (we were actually pretty happy until this afternoon when they realized their break was quite close to ending and they started missing their friends), PTA to start back up so I can start querying for a couple replacements to train up for next year so I can step back and do a little less, and church day to come back ’round so I can talk to the lady in charge of the kitchen so I can bow out for the next year of kitchen duty.  See, my resolution this year is simply to take a bit better care of myself.  To choose ME this year instead of others more often.  Because I haven’t done that in a long time and when I look at myself and pay attention, I see that I am another year older, another 20 pounds heavier, and stressed out beyond belief.  So I’m going to just be good to myself this year and see where that takes me.  🙂

Hope you all are making good plans for yourself for the upcoming year.  I’ll come ’round and check your blogs and see how you all are doing in the morning.  See you then! 🙂

-L